I began making films about eight years ago. It seemed like all the doors were open to me then, like the only limit may be what I wanted to do next. It was so incredibly exciting.
But I went through university and, slowly, reality settled in. I’ve aged a bit. I’m no longer the youngest person on set, or in most projects I work on. I’ve lost a lot of hair and gained quite some weight, and moved from Montreal to Toronto.
What I have now is film. It’s made a world of difference in my life. I went from being a student, to being a photographer, then a videographer, a freelancer, a small business owner and now, in some way, a ‘real’ cinematographer.
I’ve been lucky enough to have had the opportunity to travel around the world over the years, and I’d like to think I know a little something about the world now, and about the human condition. I don’t know all that much, but one thing that life/art has taught me is that things never get any easier, and that even if they do, they are, in fact, complexifying, which also becomes more difficult. But I’ve also learned that there is beauty in chaos.
I’ve gone through a lot professionally and personally in the last three years. Maybe it’s because I’m heartbroken and because I feel I’ve lost the love of my life, but I have some ‘new’ doubts right now. I want to keep telling stories because that’s one of the only things I know how to do, but I’m not sure for how much longer. It’s not a negative thing necessarily, and I probably will keep doing this anyway, but there’s a slight chance I may not. There are so many interesting occupations, professions, vocations, and filmmaking is but one.
You should know that I think this craft of mine is a beautiful form of expression. Choosing to be an artist is noble. But if you truly do decide to become an artist – one that cares deeply about what beauty is, what it can signify – everything will always be hard. It’s difficult to be happy when faced with imperfection. Being an image-maker, a storyteller, is a difficult route, one that breaks you from within everyday.
This isn’t a story I’m trying to tell, it’s just a way for me to let go for an instant. There’s so much going on inside me, and I figured I would share a fraction of it, because other people – close or far – may feel these internal tensions too, about the meaning of what their doing, and the strain that comes with the choice of an artistic career.
Ultimately, while I certainly don’t feel I have much artistic legitimacy yet, I’m trying to develop something, albeit slowly. I’m still searching for stories to tell, and for ways to tell them, and I owe thanks to the countless wonderful people that have been there alongside the road. I hope that some of the work I put out makes a tiny bit of a difference in your lives. You can’t make films if you don’t live life, and my days are spent with you – for this I thank you.